Monday, June 16, 2008
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
A change is coming
Monday, June 09, 2008
Bittersweet Memories
just becomes too much
I wish that I wasn't even born,
I often get to the point
That I feel I can't go on.
I just want to end the suffering
But I know I could never do that,
But suicidal thoughts
run through my head
I want to go back to the point
when I could bare this burden
and my Life wasn't a curse,
I try to remember
how things used to be
but it only intensifies this hurt.
It's like adding gas to flames of a fire
That was already burning bright,
Turning on the switch to a lamp inside
that is a spot light on my Life.
I thought the pain had ended
Or I at least had it under control,
But I was wrong like all times before
It seems I have sold my soul.
Sentenced myself to a life of pain
And stuck with left-overs of what used to be,
Just the memories of a Life once lived
That's all I have left inside of me.
The happiness, the smiles
The joy and the laughter,
That's how it once was
But now my Life is a disaster.
Memories of the past fill my head
And tears begin to form behind my eyes,
But I refuse to let them make that journey
I refuse to let myself cry.
The memories of a Life that was left behind
They seem to only be a tease,
Now I'm stuck with pain and hurt
And left with bittersweet memories.
Friday, June 06, 2008
Untitled
i think i was wrong,
everytime i see you,
it looks like you've moved on,
obviously our friendship,
didnt mean that much to you,
because you're willing to throw it away,
with every little thing i do,
you dont even try to talk to me,
you dont even seem to care,
but just in case you didnt know,
im still here,
you gave up way too easily,
you didnt even try,
were not even friends anymore,
and i bet that didnt even make you cry,
your always looking for reasons,
not to talk to me,
if im that bad of a person,
let me know cause i dont see,
i dont see how you can look away,
every time i look at you,
and i dont see how you can just give up,
because of one little thing i do,
friends dont just quit,
and they dont just move on,
so maybe we werent friends,
maybe the whole time we were wrong.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Internalized Homophobia - Homophobia can come from homosexuals, too
If you just came out within the last two years then internalized homophobia, to some degree, is to be expected. I’ve been there, done that, and am seriously disgusted with myself for that period of my life. I hated being around very openly gay people because they embodied what I didn’t want to be. I avoided conversations that may lead to someone asking me about my personal life because I wanted to be accepted and not rejected. I bragged about my straight-actingness and ignored the fact that straight men didn't do the things I was doing privately. I secretly hated part of myself and didn’t realize it until one day, after I had been called a "fag" one too many times, suddenly, I snapped and realized that I am gay! I had been ashamed of who I was and I wasn’t able to see it because I was afraid of people not accepting me.
I realized that my fears were right. There were some people that didn’t accept me, but I realized that I just didn’t care anymore. There would always be those people that didn’t like me because I’m gay. What’s even funnier is that most of those people will always find a reason not to like someone. If it wasn’t because I was gay, then it would be because of some other stupid reason that really didn’t matter. So I stopped pretending that the straighter I acted, the better off I was. I did begin to accept the people that I previously viewed as "flamers" because they were actually cool and more comfortable with themselves than I had ever been.
I started to realize what it was to be gay, at a late point of my life, and while the fact that I am gay is not the main identifying factor of who I am, it is still a factor in who I am. I am many things, but one thing that I am not anymore is homophobic.
While I may not embrace the "gay" lifestyle, I don’t hate it. While I may not embrace the "straight" lifestyle, I don’t pretend I am a part of it. I embrace who I am-- every part of who I am. And if those parts come with a label or make me stand out, that’s okay because I’m not embarrassed of those parts of me anymore and I don’t care who is.
Face the facts... it's time to take a stand
When America declared their independence from England on the fourth of July in 1776, the American colonies showed Britain that they were going to fight for what they wanted, their own lives. Thats what we should do now. Every time I turn on the news or read the paper, there is always some article about how all these people are getting what they want because they are fighting for it. Back when America was segregated into the "colored" and the "white" people fought for their freedom, they fought for what they wanted... Rights. They fought for their right to vote, and to own land, and to ride in the front of the bus.
Rosa Parks
-December 1, 1955. She became famous for refusing to give up her bus seat. This soon lead to the Montgomery Bus Boycott. Which was one of the largest racial discrimination movements in US history. The African-American people fought for what they wanted. Fair, equal, and justified rights in this country, and as American citizens, all people of the LGBTQ Community should be entitled to those rights as well. The right to marry, the right to vote, the right to adopt, the right to work, the right to speak up, and most of all, the right to co-exist with all of the other thousands of American people living in this country today.
This is an example of discrimination. Except it's not racial discrimination we are dealing with now. It's Sexual Orientation discrimination that we are currently dealing with. People are being murdered and brutally killed and beaten to death just because of their sexual preference. Gay men and women cannot co-exist in this world with other people because all everyone wants to do is be a child and point fingers at something that doesn't fit into their perception of "normal". People are dieing out there. People are being fired from their jobs just because they have a partner of the same gender. How many more lives will be lost before we can put an end to all of this? How many more people will be killed just because they want to love, and care for someone of the same sex. We can't control how we feel. We can't make ourselves change our view on life.
For more information on this topic please visit http://www.humanrightscampaign.com/ or http://www.pflag.org/
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
The Gay Experience
Email me you're stories to
morethangay@gmail.com
Friday, May 16, 2008
i could've missed the pain, but i'd have had to miss the dance
The rules:
Write your own six word memoir or epitaph.
Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you want.
Tag at least five more blogs.
Leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play.
Inspired by life's ever-changing dance.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Becoming
Grey's Anatomy episode, entitled "Becoming".
With its return after the writers strike,
the show has really taken on a turn.
I'm not too sure what to expect,
with another 3 episodes to go
before the season's finale.
This season has been really, really confusing
~ it's a little harder to identify, and not identify,
with the characters of the show.
Change
letting go of the old
and embracing the new.
Redefining who you are
and struggling like crazy
to be that better version of yourself
that you see in your head.
According to the writer of the episode,
it's about "Becoming who you want to be,
who you know you could be
if you weren't quite so screwed up
or preoccupied with kissing
when you need to be thinking
about surgery (or work for the rest of us)."
Apparently, all the characters
(and humans in general)
are trying, really trying,
to become these people they see in their head,
the versions of themselves who
are strong and successful and happy.
I cannot help but feel a very strong connection
with Ms Grey and her crew.
That there comes a point in time,
that we have to sit up, and listen to ourselves
– to what we want, where we're heading
and how we're gonna get there.
Becoming is hard ~ it hurts like hell
And can cost you friends and lovers
and career advancement.
A lot of changes have been taking place in my life...
from coming to terms with certain characters in my life
and learning to accept new ones…
from putting 110% into my new postition at work...
From trying to come to terms with some very big internal issues.
All of these things are big changes.
Some will succeed, and others will fail.
But all of them will try.
It's hard to discern which of these
changes would be the biggest in terms of impact.
All of them are rather profound
and all will likely have good outcomes to it.
The most surprising commonality of them all
is this ~ that I am trying.
Trying to see the good in each
of these changes and embrace them.
Some of these changes I can take in my stride.
But one of them scares the hell out of me,
and it is the one that I have pushed
to the very back of my head.
Unfortunately it always creeps back up on me.
I suppose, I have improved on this area,
in the sense that I have not gone
and done a Chris-usual but still hanging in there.
I suppose at the end of the day,
one has to take the leap of faith,
somehow, somewhere
and not think too much about it.
Because the alternative ~ standing still
Just.Isn't.An.Option.
Maybe someday, if I'm honest enough with myself,
I might just come outloud and say it... who knows eh?
Afterall, it's all about Becoming... who I want to be.
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
Stay ~ Sugaland
at the clock on the wall
And I've been laying here praying,
praying she won't call
It's just another call from home
And you'll get it and be gone
And I'll be crying
And I'll be begging you, baby
Beg you not to leave
But I'll be left here waiting
With my Heart on my sleeve
Oh, for the next time we'll be here
Seems like a million years
And I think I'm dying
What do I have to do to make you see
She can't love you like me
Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay
You keep telling me, baby
There will come a time
When you will leave her arms
And forever be in mine
But I don't think that's the truth
And I don't like being used
and I'm tired of waiting
It's too much pain to have to bare
To love a man you have to share
Why don't you stay
I'm down on my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
Don't I give you what you need
When she calls you to go
There is one thing you should know
We don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay
I can't take it any longer
But my will is getting stronger
And I think I know
just what I have to do
I can't waste another minute
After all that I've put in it
I've given you my best
Why does she get the best of you
So next time you find you wanna
leave her bed for mine
Why don't you stay
I'm up off my knees
I'm so tired of being lonely
You can't give me what I need
When she begs you not to go
There is one thing you should know
I don't have to live this way
Baby, why don't you stay, yeah
Saturday, May 10, 2008
A Hypocritical World: Can Christians and Homosexuals Co-Exist?
I don't know about you, but I think we live in a hypocritical world. Christians seem to be running around judging homosexuals and spewing rhetoric based on scripture taken out of context, and the homosexuals turn around and tell Christians not to judge, but then write them off as being ignorant and closed-minded. I'm sorry, but as a homosexual and former Christian, I am very disappointed in both sides. Let me start by acknowledging that there are exceptions to both sides and that the follow is based on general observation, and not to be taken to heart by those to whom this does not apply.
To the Christians who are trying to convert people to Christianity: calling people sinners, quoting Bible verses out of context, and insisting that if they don't convert, they will go to hell is probably not a good way to start off a conversation. I have read and studied the Bible and I have yet to find an example of someone coming into a loving relationship with God through meeting someone who did nothing but shove religion down his/her throat in a judgemental fashion. Jesus only raised his voice in anger when he was around religious people. He did not try to convert people; he tried to teach them a better way through the way he lived his life, how he treated others, and the words he spoke. I think a lot of Christians end up using the Bible as a weapon instead of as a tool of instruction and that is one of the reasons I believe the church is failing to reach people. There are denominations that are seeing this error and trying to turn back the tide, but the floods of ignorance and hatred that have swept over much of our society are still strong within the church. Unless Christians start acting more like Christ and understand the concept of what Christ was really trying to do, Christianity will continue to gain more enemies than converts.
To my GLBT friends: I understand how hard it is to sit and listen to someone judge us like they know everything about us and tell us that we have "chosen" this path and that it will send us to hell. I understand how personal and angering these attacks can be. However, it is important to look past the words of hate and see where it is coming from. I have found that most people who speak out against our lifestyle are either insecure in their own sexuality due to natural internal conflicts or abuse, or they are people misguided by religion and society, who would rather write those of us who don't conform to societal norms as "unnatural," instead of getting to know us at a personal level. Neither scenario is a valid reason to spread hate and violence, but returning the hate and violence is not the answer. There are better and more effective ways of dealing with this people than getting in their faces and screaming at them. This kind of conflict is what most of them look for and we only fuel their the fire when we fight back.
The nniverse has a delicate balance of dark and light. Those who choose to fight evil with more evil ultimately make the world a darker place. Light, when present, always abolishes darkness. Let's consider light in this instance to be respect, unity, and acceptance created through education and mature, open-minded conversation. When we fight, we starve our flame of oxygen and it dies. When our light dies, the darkness wins. Now, imagine a world full of people fighting and only a few people holding a candle, trying to spread understanding and tolerance-- there isn't going to be much light is there? What would happen if a bunch of us got together and invested in a bunch of search lights? Well, those who live in the dark would have a harder time attacking openly.
Relating all of this back to the topic, as long as we fight ignorance with ignorance, more and more people will be pushed to the extremes, instead of being brought together in the middle. As long as people get defensive and offensive when discussing these issues and both sides put the other down by propagating stereotypes and the use of abusive language, we are going to see no real progress towards finding acceptance, on either side. I know how hard it is to just suck it up and be a bigger person, but I think it is absolutely essential to find any real solutions to this growing rift.
Monday, May 05, 2008
OMG An Update
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
30 things about me you may not already know
2. I'm starting to get better at that optimism thing as well.
3. I've always been one to dream what could be, but know deep down inside that it would probably never happen.
4. I have confidence in most things, but there are those few times and moments where I just need someone to remind me of that confidence.
5. When I know I'm capable of something though, there is no stopping me.
6. I've always believed that persistence can get you what you want.
7. I love routine and tradition. But I also welcome change. Without change, there's no possibility for new things. But the comfort that routine brings is also important.
8. I love-- with my whole heart. If you become someone important to me, I will pretty much do anything for you. I'm the friend you can call at 3am and I'll listen, come get you or whatever you need.
9. Those certain people I can still call my best friends will come first no matter what.
10. I love to laugh. At any and everything.
11. I'm not much for dancing or clubs. I like more dorky things like playing board games or going bowling. I love hiking and being outdoors
12. I love writing, and I've found it's the easiest way for me to say what I'm feeling.
13. I love music... random kinds, but mostly rock and alternative.
14. I'm really, really sensitive but I also have a quick rebound time and it won't take much to make things okay.
15. I forgive, but I probably won't forget. I have an incredibly good memory.... I pay attention to detail.
16. I love thunderstorms.
17. I could eat turkey sandwiches all the time and be okay with it.
18. Don't ask me to dance.... I will tell you no. But don't take it personally.
19. If I'm upset, I will be quiet. If I have something important to say-- I'll struggle and start and stop but within 10 minutes I'll say what I need to.
20. I want to go to Ireland someday.
21. Needles are a phobia -- so are spiders and bugs of any kind. Buzzing is my least favorite sound and it can easily drive me insane. If there is a bee in the room, don't expect me to pay attention to anything else.
22. I won't swim in the ocean, but I love the beach & sharks.
23. I have strong opinions ... I will share them, but only when I feel so inclined. Generally speaking, I think before I speak -- especially in large groups. But once you get to know me, I am an open book. Don't be put off by my apparent shyness ... because shy is the last thing to describe me accurately.
24. I do not like being told things just to make me happy. I would rather be told the truth and be hurt than be "protected" and happy. I overreact sometimes. Don't be afraid to tell me I'm wrong or out of line. I like people who are strong enough to face me when I'm raging ... people who will let me angry for a little while ... people who won't think less of me for my somewhat sporadic mood swings.
25. When I'm hurt, I withdraw. I threaten to run away from the situation that is causing me pain. All I want is to be told honestly that I'm loved ... that I should stay ... sometimes I need to hear it multiple times. But if you'll be a little persistent, I'll give in.
26. If I'm really close to you, I might start picking fights over stupid things ... for no reason. It means I'm bored. That things have gotten monotonous.
27. I love just going with the flow ... I don't always want things planned out.
28. When it comes to making plans for hanging out, I'm very indecisive -- there are too many things I would really like to do ... and I'm afraid you won't like what I choose. So most of the time I won't pick what to do.
29. I want to be respected -- I want my feelings to be respected and my thoughts to be respected. More than anything else, I want my body to be respected. I know how to be sexy, I know how to be desirable. I choose not to be those things because I do not want what comes when one intentionally creates a sexy persona. I like being told that I'm beautiful ... I like being told I'm sexy -- because those are not things I strive to be ... but I want my boundaries respected.
30. I am afraid of being lonely ... of having my heart broken ... of not being appreciated or wanted. Of people not knowing how much they mean to me. I'm afraid of drowning, of choking and of not understanding. I'm not afraid to be myself or of interacting with people who are different than me. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm wrong, but I will rarely admit it publicly.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Therapy
ther·a·py ~ noun
1.
The treatment of disease or disorders, as by some remedial, rehabilitating, or curative process
2.
A curative power or quality.
3.
Any act, hobby, task, program, etc., that relieves tension.
Friday I went shopping. Not an activity that I should have particularly indulged in. But it’s been a what-the-heck mode.
While it has been getting things that I have been putting off getting… like getting a new hat since someone "threw away" my old one… and getting some new clothes, because all my clothes are so out dated. we all know that I've been hitting the stores for reasons other than to dress myself.
One of my friends calls it getting big plastic pills for the tired heart… Me – let’s just say it’s therapy…
For now.. it's easier to get lost in the crowded stores and trying on clothes.... and pulling price tags off of merchandise when I get home.. Whatever floats my boat – I’ll buy it for now.
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
F*CK Wal*Mart
This makes me sick, because appearantly Walmart doesn't understand what bad P.R. is. Bad P.R. is screwing over one of your employees, just for money. To sum up the situation, a walmart employee was involved in a terrible car accident that left her mentally handicapped. She and her family were able to sue for $477,000 worth of damages which is meant to take care of her for the rest of her life. So they win the case and it looks like everything is going to be ok. But it turns out that walmarts health care plan's fine print says that if any money is received for damages, walmart has the right to take it. And you can bet your damned ass, they're taking the money. $477,000, they are making a huge deal over $477,000. A company that makes over $90 billion a year. And when they were asked for a comment, they said "while her situation is extreamly sad, the only way to be fair to everyone else, is to take the money. And when I look at this situation, the first word I think of is not "Fair", oddly enough, it's "Fucked up". The situation is fucked up, so because of this issue, I'm saying fuck walmart. I'm not going to go to walmart, super walmart, walmart.com, sams, or lowes. I'm never going to go into a walmart again, besides to visit my friends who happen to work at walmart, but you can bet your sweet as I won't ever buy from that store again, because walmart is fucked up. That's why I think everyone who reads this, shouldn't go to walmart either. I'm not saying "Don't go to walmart" that's ridiculous. All I'm saying is if you think it's a fucked up situation, don't shop at walmart anymore, because if they are going to go ahead and screw over the little guy, what needs to happen is all the little guys need to get together, and send out this story to all there little guy friends, so more people will hear about it, because this is fucking ridiculous. So to all the people who think that the little guy can still have a voice, I have a project for you, if you have a few extra mins, click on the title to this post, and it's a link to the story about the women involved in this case, and everything that's happening to her. I want you to send that to as many people as possible. Send it to everyone in your address book, put it in myspace bullitens, facebook bullitens, I don't care, but get it out.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Questions and Answers
i still don't have The Answers i thought i was looking for, and that's okay. it's entirely probable that i am not asking the Right Questions. it's difficult for one to do so when one doesn't quite understand the essence of what it is he thinks he wants to know. in short, i know nothing. and i think that's fine. and i hope that thinking it's fine is a step in the right direction, if there is one.
if i were a christian mystic, i might say something like, "i touched the face of God." i am not a mystic. i am not even a christian. so i can only speculate that my experience would be something a christian mystic would describe in such terms. if i were a buddhist monk, i might say, (or not say---therein lies the problem i face,) something like, "i ceased to be i; i ceased." but i am not a buddhist monk, either. i am a 24 year old guy, with a love of truth, and plenty of time on his hands of late.
i am not sure whether it is wise or even particularly useful to elaborate on the experience and the slim knowledge i believe i have gleaned thus far from it. right now it seems, at the least, that doing so would be akin to trying to grasp and hold water in my fist. i worry that the relevance and meaning of the experience would run out like so much water from inside a tightly clenched desire to impart it to others. terribly phrased, i'm sure, but i hope you understand.
today, though, i am tired and weak. i want little else but to curl up in bed and go to sleep.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Cat Nap
to hold him at night anymore,
when we sleep.
I am getting insecure. lol.
He creeps up and sniffs my face.
then curls on his side to sleep next to me.
And usually I put my arm around him,
or pet him till I or he falls asleep
Nowadays, if i so much
as put a finger on him,
first he tries to push my hand off
with his back legs, and if that don't work,
he gets up and moves to the foot of the bed in a huff.
And if he is really annoyed,
he just jumps off the bed
and goes and sleeps on the couch. =(
Oh, but when it gets nearer to dawn,
he comes creeping back
and starts to squeeze himself between my arms,
or wrap himself around my head
or lays on my stomach, or side, or back
(depending on how I'm laying)
or just try to sleep as close to me as he can.
Why are cats like that eh?
When you need someone to hold on too,
to cuddle, to help you sleep,
they don't wanna go anywhere near you.
But when you are sleeping,
thats when they start to disturb you
and try to squeeze out every ounce of patience in you.
Friday, April 11, 2008
Did I
Did I tell you, that I used to believe in wishing?
That one day I will be granted three wishes
and I used to think to myself,
what would I wish for?
Money? Happiness? Love?
I would go around asking people I knew,
what would you wish for if you had three wishes?
When I was a kid, I believed in fairies.
When I grew into a teenager,
I believed in the stars.
I would sit in the back yard and stare at the stars.
I would wish and wish with all my heart
for all the things that I thought I wanted.
I had a little ritual.
I would start with that little nursery ryhme
that I learnt as a kid...
Star bright star light first star I see tonight...
I wish I may, I wish I might...
The stars would twinkle
and I would feel peace.
And hope.
What did I wish for?
So many things.
So many desires.
So many wants.
Most of all I wished for happiness.
Happiness forever, for the rest of my life.
To never feel sadness. To never cry. And to be loved.
So loved that the minute I withhold my love,
those who had a taste of it would crumple up and die.
Did I tell you that I used to believe in miracles?
I did. I believed that one day
a miracle would happen
and all that I wished for
would come true
that one day I would get outa 'here'
and live that perfect miraculous life
that I've always dreamt of.
I held on to that belief even as I grew
into the adult that I am now.
I always had that little light in my heart to guide me.
That will help me through
whatever dark moments I may be going through,
so that when I awake, I will be fine,
still with hope, still looking out for the future.
I wonder what happened. I wonder alot.
A lot of things seem to be out of my control
- even things happening in my own life.
And I end up wondering.
Wonder wonder wonder.
What's the point.
The light isnt't there anymore.
I don't believe in anything.
I used to care about things.
About life. Life after death.
About angels, demons, the good and the bad.
I used to be afraid. I used to feel guilty.
I used to feel satisfaction.
I don't care anymore.
I still believe in God
but I just don't feel
what I should be feeling.
What should I be feeling?
I'm sick of the anger.
The hurt. The pain.
I am fucking sick of it
and I want it to end.
I want to go up to Fate
and slap him and tell him
to stop fucking with me.
Stop messing with me
and just leave me be.
Did I tell you, that I had a wall?
That I so successfully built.
And now it's gone and I am vulnerable again.
Why is it that when you try to keep yourself
away from whatever it is that would hurt you,
something comes along and tries to get inside?
And when you let it in,
all it does is break you
and you are left to pick up the pieces.
Again and again and again.
I don't wanna pick it up anymore.
I don't wanna fix it.
I don't wanna care.
I want it all to end.
And no matter what anyone says,
I know that I have never asked for much.
And I know that many love to see me in pain.
So stop pretending.
Fuck it all.
I am sick of trying.
My heart hurts
That I am not always, not twenty four seven
happy, bouncy, laughing or better yet, not always bitchy.
Being bitchy is always better than being depressed isn't it?
I am one of those people who lapse
into depression time to time and I am not sorry.
Those who know me, know that.
But I find that people around me find it easier
to deal with my bitchiness than my depression.
They don't seem to know what to do
when I get that faraway look in my eyes,
that my mind seems to be flying away
to some darker place where pain feels good
and hurting outside is better than the hurt inside.
That the images in my head seem to be
more real that what is real around me.
Images that come from long ago
where words uttered bring more jolts of pain
than an accidental cut with the kitchen knife.
They don't seem to understand that
their words to pacify me will only
hurt me and them more.
That it won't help.
That the voices and sounds I am hearing
are louder than the sound of their voices.
That if you try to come close to me
then, you won't find me. I won't be there.
Just an empty shell with blank eyes and frozen lips.
And there is nothing I can do
to bring myself back when I am gone.
It's just a matter of time.
Be patient and I will be ok. Soon.
Please don't tell me to stop.
Because it is not by choice.
It overtakes me at random moments
and there's nothing there for me to do
other than go through it and wait.
At times I drown myself in alcohol
to drown out the thoughts.
And it feels better to be in
a drunken stupor on the floor
than in a painful heap with unblinking eyes
staring at the ceiling,
seeing images that are not there,
hearing voices that are not there,
feeling those that are not there
and realising much later that
the wetness on my face are my tears
and my hands are much too heavy
to move to wipe them away.
I party endlessly and drink to keep laughing
and keep the thoughts at bay.
But in the end, we all end up alone.
And then there's nothing I can do to stop it.
At times I think about death.
If it's going to be an adventure.
What if we were to die today?
I think it will be exciting.
It will be a whole new adventure.
Experience new things.
Maybe meet other dead people
who will tell me how they died
and we can laugh about it together.
Maybe meet our guardian angels
and bitch them out for not helping us more.
Maybe meet the devil
and have a tea party at his house. Ha Ha.
I wonder why it's so taboo to talk about death.
In the end, when you think about it, all of us are dying.
It's only a matter of time. Don't you think?
I will be alright. Just give me time.
I want more.
More than this.
The waiting,
the memories,
the emails
and the promises
are not enough.
Have you ever felt that way?
When ghosts and the words are never enough?
I want more.
So much more.
I search and look for more.
But I can never get enough.
The random chats and the visits.
I want more.
But it just feels so damn wrong.
Wanting something that
you're not supposed to want.
Feeling something
you're not supposed to feel.
I want more.
That is all I know for now.
That one special moment in time
left me hungry for more.
Yet I am grasping at straws,
never knowing if
what I am feeling is mutual.
I want more.
I can't get enough.
And the hardest part
is not being able to say
what I truly feel.
I want more.
Yet I am afraid.
Afraid that when I fall
I won't be caught.
Afraid to try.
Afraid to ruin everything.
Afraid that this is just
another one of life's games.
Afraid to be the victim again.
My pride is talking.
Yet the hunger in me
is awaken again.
I want it.
I want more.
And I can't wait to feel
that raw emotion
that blinds you
when you are overcome by it.
That moment when the world stops
and the only thing that matters
is fulfilling your desires.
When sight and sound is limited
and you can only feel.
I want more.
Please catch me.
Or just let me go.
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
I see your true colors shining through...
but you know there are people
who do things you just cant explain,
there are people who are so fake
and so two faced that you just cant explain.
there are people who you thought were your friends,
that really are not.
there are people who you thought
were the least of your friends,
and who are more friends
then you would have ever imagined.
the past few weeks in my life
have produced some interesting situations.
it has produced some interesting propositions.
it has definitely opened my eyes up
to the ways of the people of the world.
and with every day i learn more and more...
i learn who is real. who is fake.
who wants to fuck me. and who wants to stab me.
i have found out a lot about a bunch of people, a
nd at the same time i have found out
that i knew a lot less about a lot of people,
that i thought i knew.
quite the conundrum i must say.
a bit of a quandry.
interesting and fun.
sad and happy.
angry and vengeful.
Monday, April 07, 2008
Waste Myself
so I don't have to lie there alone.
The heat of something living
to ward off the cold undead fingers
of our once bright love.
What monstrous thing has it become?
Formless, whispering and chittering in the dark,
driven insane by unbelievable circumstance.
Its words (your words) crawling over me
- a swarm of angry thoughts
that nip and bite and burrow.
The stranger mistakes my desperate grasp for lust
- in moments we are lost in one another.
A hot burst of life against the night.
For that instant I feel release and released.
For that brief moment I am alive and free.
But in the final sex-rattle,
the convergent lust-spasm,
why do I name my demon?
Why is it always your name
I scream into the dark?
Leaving Routine
I suggest a time.
You hop into your car and start the engine.
You turn and wave. I wave back.
I watch to make sure you pull out onto the highway okay.
I wonder what it would have been like to kiss you again.
To hold you once more, if only briefly.
To be the guy you're driving to,
instead of the guy standing out here alone.
You wanted the long slow forever
and I live my life in blazing moments.
A little less bright each time.
sometimes when missing someone gets to be too much, just remembering the great times gets me through. then i start smiling and the separation pangs ease a little bit.
A smile costs nothing but gives much. It enriches those who receive without making poorer those who give. It takes but a moment, but the memory of it sometimes lasts forever. None is so rich or mighty that he cannot get along without it and none is so poor that he cannot be made rich by it. Yet a smile cannot be bought, begged, borrowed, or stolen, for it is something that is of no value to anyone until it is given away. Some people are too tired to give you a smile. Give them one of yours, as none needs a smile so much as he who has no more to give.
~Author Unknown
Sunday, April 06, 2008
"Love Song" by The Cure
you make me feel like
I am home again
Whenever I'm alone with you
you make me feel like
I am whole again
Whenever i'm alone with you
you make me feel like
i am young again
whenever i'm alone with you
you make me feel like
I am fun again
However far away
i will always love you
however long i stay
i will always love you
whatever words i say
i will always love you
i will always love you
Whenever i'm alone with you
you make me feel like
i am free again
whenever i'm alone with you
you make me feel like
i am clean again
However far away
i will always love you
however long i stay
i will always love you
whatever words i say
i will always love you
i will always love you
Analyze This
we all have several sides to our personalities.
we all have different dimensions.
that's what makes the human being dynamic.
today, i've discovered that house was right:
everybody lies. and bearing in mind the other lessons
i've learned from watching house, i didn't stop there.
i wrote a pro and con list.
and from that list i tried to come up with conclusions.
these conclusions are:
- in every situation, no one is purely altruistic.
everyone has a vested interest. - it is a human compulsion to protect one's territory.
it's instinctive. - when one is not exposed to a certain culture,
it will be alien and therefore, it won't make sense. - when one has megalomania,
one will always think one is always right
and there is no cure for that.
maybe except for humiliating,
life-threatening failure. - feeling pretty is one thing,
being vain can have its benefits;
being narcissistic benefits no one. - sometimes, when one thinks too much,
one sees things that aren't there. - i over-analyze things sometimes.
all that being said, Chris, the over-analytic, is signing out.
A son
A grandson
A cousin
A friend
A young boy
and a grown man
I am confident and scared
terrified and excited
I am loving and caring
and shy and friendly
and careful and careless
I am misunderstood
misguided and misled
I am hardworking and determined
I am a little scarred on the inside
I wish on stars and dream my dreams
I pray to God and cry my tears
I smile on the outside
while I'm dying on the inside
I listen to others who won't listen to me
I wal on eggshells, and I walk on fire
I believe in passion but not true love
I love you and I push you away
I want you but not so close
I am everything and nothing all at once
and all I want is for you to
LOVE ME
lessons from gregory house, md
you gotta hand it to hugh laurie.
he's got that dour, sour, sarcastic,
i'm-an-arse-i-know-and-i-don't-care-if-you-hate-me
attitude down to an art. no wonder he's won emmys.
one lesson i've learned from watching that show
is not about everybody lying. while it's true that everybody lies
-- anywhere between a teensy-weensy-minutely-microscopic lie
to the great grand daddy of all lies,
everybody will at some point in their lives lie,
that wasn't the lesson.
the one lesson i learned is to never stop asking why.
to never stop trying to solve the puzzle.
while the lying is never excused, at least, after all that digging,
conjecturing and figuring out, when you do find out,
it at least helps you understand why the lying happened in the first place.
it may or may not make you feel better.
but at least you understand.
it doesn't matter whether the understanding
is cerebral or emotional. at least you understand.
that, to me, is what matters.
Saturday, April 05, 2008
I'm Happy
And i'm going to say something
that i haven't said in a really (REALLY) long time.
i'm happy.
i think it's because i've come to terms
with everything that's happened to me.
i've stopped blaming circumstance and coincidence
and i've finally faced the fact that
whatever i've gone through,
it was because of the choices i made.
and i think it was that realization
that made things click.
i've learned that ---
1. although i don't always get what i want,
what i have can be enough.
2. looking and not touching can be a good thing.
3. wanting something more is a good thing
--- if done realistically.
4. when god closes a door and shuts the window,
there's always the doggie door! Wink
5. i am NOT super Chris
and no one expects me to be super Chris.
6. i am loved (and now i REALLY know this,
and the knowledge isn't just superficial now.).
7. nothing is ever perfect
-- but it's in the appreciation of imperfections
that one finds the magic in life.
Pocket Full Of Change
i heard the news today.
initially, it doesnt seem real,
people don't drop out of your life just like that.
but they DO.
sometimes its death,
sometimes its breaking up,
sometimes its a misunderstanding
or a gradual growing apart.
and people leave
and your life will never be exactly the same,
no matter how small a role they played.
its easier to push this emotion back down,
to stifle any tears or nostalgia.
dont think about change,
just ignore it,
there's nothing you can do to prevent change.
tell yourself he's still alive
while you go about your life,
pretend you still speak to your best friend
from two years ago,
don't aknowledge the fact that you changed jobs
and everyone that promised to stay in touch doesnt.
i'd like to think im mature enough
to handle the cycles of life.
even the happy changes are hard to accept.
even friends getting married,
or having a kid,
it changes my little world
and sets it just off-balance
from what i was used to for so long.
and i'm forced to re-learn the path,
adjust the way i look at the world.
when have i ever been completely satisfied with that view?
no matter where you stand, there will be an obstacle
- a powerline or tree or the shadow that just won't fade.
take what you can get, snap the picture anyway.
there is beauty in the inperfection,
there is meaning in the change.
significant insignificants
there are days when reassurance comes in the simplest forms.
sometimes the inane words work wonders.
sometimes just talking about every tedious detail
of nothing happening in one’s day makes the difference.
sometimes even sharing the insignificant details
of one’s day bridges the gap.
it’s not when something significant happens that ties are strengthened.
it’s in sharing the tedious daily grind that bonds are fortified.
sometimes, it’s not the fact that nothing happened,
it’s that you shared the significant insignificants.
quotable quote
can be heartbreaking,
but it also shows you’re strong enough
to walk away froma relationship
that no longer makes you happy.
Moving out of your comfort zone
can be downright scary,
but it also proves just how brave you are
to take on the unknown.
You become stronger, braver, wiser.
You always do a little growing up
everytime you do a little letting go.
~Oprah Winfrey
Friday, April 04, 2008
there are times when you feel so full of emotion there are no words to express how you're feeling? when everything is a tangle of nerves and feelings that you can't tell one from the other?
i'm not entirely sure if today is that kind of day.
i feel everything and yet i kind of feel numb.
i've been staring at the blinking cursor now for 5 minutes. and i have no idea what to write!
and i feel...drained.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
letting things happen
we're always told to go with the flow,
act naturally, to let things run their course,
to let things happen the way they're meant to happen.
and yet on the other hand, we're also encouraged
to forge our own paths, take the bull by its horns,
to make our dreams happen, to take control of our own destinies.
i tried. while the jury's still out on whether or not
i was successful in shaping my own future, i'm exhausted.
it's one thing to control one's destiny,
it's a whole other thing to try to usher someone
who isn't quite sure they know what they want.
or are too afraid to go after what they want.
to keep my sanity, i will no longer ask,
no longer demand, no longer plead.
i'm done. i no longer want to feel anxious
and insecure and unsure of myself.
i know what i'm worth and i'm not settling.
i guess the only thing left to wait for
is whether or not there will be
a stepping up to the plate.
but my life will no longer be on hold.
if it comes, then it comes.
if it happens, then it happens.
but if it doesn't, then i'll cry and grieve,
but at the end of the day, c'est la vie.
so there it is in a nutshell.
while i'm never one to close doors,
i'm taking a deep breath and stepping back.
i'm waiting for the actions to tell me what i want to know.
and if the actions aren't forthcoming,
then that's the way it all goes.
everything gets chalked up to painful, learning experiences.
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Rude Much?
I had a coffee and maybe dinner thing set up with a guy I'm talking to. It was fairly loose, you know, we decided to meet at the cafe between 5:30 and 6:00. No big deal. I was going to try to be there at 5:30 so he didn't have to wait around for me, but I didn't make it until about a quarter to. I didn't see him when I got there, so I grabbed a coffee and sat down to wait.
About five minutes to six, I get a text. He won't be in town until 7:30ish. He's still at his house. He didn't notice the time.
Excuse the hell out of me, but... What?!
Look, I could understand being fifteen or even thirty minutes late. I wouldn't be happy about it, but it happens. I've done it. In fact I pretty much would have expected it from him, despite having no history to base it on. I probably would have giggled and teased him about it when he got there.
An hour and a half, though? When there is no emergency, no traffic, no anything at all? He is going to be an hour and a half late because he was at his house, and didn't look at the clock?
Damn, that makes me feel important. I'm sure as hell glad that I asked him to come here, rather than driving down to visit him. An hour and a half late while I'm in a strange town would piss me right the hell off.
...Not that I'm happy about it now, of course.
Friday, March 28, 2008
Sentence -- never to be spoken.
you think about me
or where you fit into his life,
you're going to need
to understand and accept the fact
that he and I are best friends
and that we are always
going to be best friends."
It would be easier
if I knew I could walk
the halls of my life
without memories taped
like a kick-me sign
to my consciousness.
It would be so much easier
to say goodbye were it not
for the memory of hello.
I want to be able to live
as though I never loved you at all.
And part of me doesn't think I can.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
why on earth. . .
My opinion: misery does not love company. Misery has company over all the time. Imagine seeing the same person day in and day out, with not a moment's peace. Not even in the bathroom. No one likes that much attention. But Misery's got it.
People almost enjoy being sad. If you see a happy person, you probably think they're a twit. Optimistic fool! Everyone knows life sucks! That's why we say we're fine: because everyone expects us to be fine. We've all got problems, why put the spotlight on yours like they're something special?
But does life suck, really? Or do we just make ourselves believe it sucks because our own little lives can feel like they've been flushed down the toilet? I think that maybe, maybe we really are fine. Maybe a lot of us make ourselves feel like we shouldn't be happy because that's just not cool these days.
Or maybe we've got the definition of happiness blown out of proportion. Maybe we think happiness is something that's constant. But happiness isn't everlasting, it comes and goes. As for misery, we can make ourselves depressed anytime for any reason. And it almost is constant, because we let it stick around. It's an old friend. Happiness is a mysterious stranger that comes over once in a while, has its way with you and takes off in the morning.
(I really don't know where I was going with that or if I even mean it.)
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
I had wrote and was about to post an entry about my "breakup" (that happened yesterday evening).
And then, Voila. Blogger had an accident, and all 3425 words gone.
If I can stab technology over the Internet, I’d do it with a knife 24 times on 24 different occasions in accordance with my bipolar schizophrenic mood swings just to be in time to blow all 24 candles on my expected upcoming birthday dark chocolate/mocha ice-cream layer cake (gigantic hint in your face like duh~).
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
if it takes my whole life, i won't break, I won't bend
So, where do I stand now?
I've stargazed with potential love interests, dressed up in drag for Halloween, enjoyed countless movies alongside good friends, shared many laughs over some good drinks, played many games of scrabble with two of my best friends, sung a few fun songs, had some great coffee, been overtaken by many a sunset, went to dennys at ungodly hours, journeyed through mysterious graveyards, gone for exhausting hikes, written many blog posts, prepared snacks, been enlightened, been angry, been depressed, tried to help out some friends, been heartbroken, acted like a complete goof, and caught a few tears (and a few kisses). Right now, I feel like welcoming the coming year of my life with open arms, because believe me, this has also probably been the hardest year of my life thus far. I've learned so many things only to be baffled by a hundred more.
I'm ready for another start. This entire year has been about getting my feet off the ground.
Well, I've finally done just that, and now it's time to keep going. Sometimes it's sad to think that the only way to become who you really are requires a significant amount of time to first get a little direction. You think, "If only I could have started sooner, this year may not have been all about the journey to get to a better place." But in any case, I suppose the journey itself is the most important part, not the destination. I realize now that having put myself through the trials and tribulations of this past year, I feel prepared for anything. Let my love come when it comes.
Let my greatest inspirations as a writer hit me when they hit me. Though there will always be frustrations and painful moments we'd just as soon forget, I find comfort in the fact that this isn't the end of it all. Whatever missed opportunities flew past us this time around will come back again at full speed very soon. Nothing's lost forever. Things change, of course, but every moment, every thought, every emotion is too real to forget. Once it's here, it stays. The spirit of our former selves is always within us, no matter how willing we might be to crush it. There is always love, there is always pain, and there will always be experiences. I can't refuse to live, because as far as I'm concerned, that's just impossible. Whatever we do, we're making a memory, and I for one consider myself very lucky to make them alongside some truly fantastic people.
So, I have very few regrets (yes, there are inevitably some). There were most definitely signals I didn't pick up on, conversations that could have been steered differently, relationships that could have been explored instead of neglected, and life-changing choices that could have been made.
However, in spite of all of that, I can be assured only a more exciting future.
"What will come will come, and you'll just have to meet it when it does."
-J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire
Self Righteous?
- self-righ·teous (-'rI-ch&s, adj.)¹
- convinced of one's own righteousness especially in contrast with the actions and beliefs of others : narrow-mindedly moralistic
from Merriam-Webster
- nar·row-mind·ed ("nar-O-'mIn-d&d, "nar-&-, adj.)
- lacking in tolerance or breadth of vision : petty
I suppose maybe this describes me, in the very broadest sense of the word. I do believe that my personal morals are the best available. Then again, if I didn't think that, they wouldn't be my morals. So I guess if you want to think of it that way, everyone is self-righteous.
But I don't think the definition is supposed to be quite that broad. I don't see myself as being accurately described as narrow-minded in any aspect of my personality, for one thing. Everything I do and everything I believe is a result of careful thought and a lot of option-weighing. And I'll admit readily that what's right for me isn't right for everyone. My personal moral code doesn't work for anyone who isn't me. And that's a lot of people. Let's see, subtract one from the total population of the universe...
People who believe in something (like "homosexuality is wrong") without any real thought put into it ("because the Bible says so" does not constitute thought) can be described as self-righteous, especially if they try to force-feed their opinion to the rest of the population. But I don't do that and I never have. In fact high on my list of morals is to not shove my morals down others' throats. I may write them down somewhere (hmmm, like this web page?), but I won't be going up to someone on the street and start telling them how to run their life. Just writing them down lets you choose to read them if you want or ignore the whole page and go somewhere you find more interesting.
Got a problem with that?
Monday, March 24, 2008
Dear Readers
Chris
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
More Enneagram
Wing Type 5 - The Investigator
People of this personality type essentially fear that they don't have enough inner strength to face life, so they tend to withdraw, to retreat into the safety and security of the mind where they can mentally prepare for their emergence into the world. Fives feel comfortable and at home in the realm of thought. They are generally intelligent, well read and thoughtful and they frequently become experts in the areas that capture their interest. While they are sometimes scientifically oriented, especially with the Six wing, just as many Fives are drawn to the humanities and it is not at all uncommon for Fives to have artistic inclinations. Fives are often a bit eccentric; they feel little need to alter their beliefs to accommodate majority opinion, and they refuse to compromise their freedom to think just as they please. The problem for Fives is that while they are comfortable in the realm of thought, they are frequently a good deal less comfortable when it comes to dealing with their emotions, the demands of a relationship, or the need to find a place for themselves in the world. Fives tend to be shy, nonintrusive, independent and reluctant to ask for the help that others might well be happy to extend to them.
Fives are sensitive; they don't feel adequately defended against the world. To compensate for their sensitivity, Fives sometimes adopt an attitude of careless indifference or intellectual arrogance, which has the unfortunate consequence of creating distance between themselves and others. Trying to bridge the distance can be difficult for Fives, as they are seldom comfortable with their social skills, but when they do manage it, they are often devoted friends and life long companions.
Fives are usually somewhat restrained when it comes to emotional expression, but they often have stronger feelings than they let on. Few people know what is going on beneath the surface, as Fives have an often exaggerrated need for privacy and a deep seated fear of intrusion. Because of their sensitivity and their fears of inadequacy, Fives fear being overwhelmed, either by the demands of others or by the strength of their own emotions. They sometimes deal with this by developing a minimalistic lifestyle in which they make few demands on others in exchange for few demands being made on them. Other Fives make their peace with the messiness of life and engage it more fully, but they almost always retain their fears that life is somehow going to demand more of them than they can deliver.
Conflicted between trust and distrust
Enneagram Type 6 - The Loyalist
People of this personality type essentially feel insecure, as though there is nothing quite steady enough to hold onto. At the core of the type Six personality is a kind of fear or anxiety. This anxiety has a very deep source and can manifest in a variety of different styles, making Sixes somewhat difficult to describe and to type. What all Sixes have in common however, is the fear rooted at the center of their personality, which manifests in worrying, and restless imaginings of everything that might go wrong. This tendency makes Sixes gifted at trouble shooting, but also robs the Six of much needed peace of mind and tends to deprive the personality of spontaneity. The essential anxiety at the core of the type Six fixation tends to permeate the personality with a sort of "defensive suspiciousness." Sixes don't trust easily; they are often ambivalent about others, until the person has absolutely proven herself, at which point they are likely to respond with steadfast loyalty. The loyalty of the Six is something of a two edged sword however, as Sixes are sometimes prone to stand by a friend, partner, job or cause even long after it is time to move on.
Sixes are generally looking for something or someone to believe in. This, combined with their general suspiciousness, gives rise to a complicated relationship to authority. The side of the Six which is looking for something to believe in, is often very susceptible to the temptation to turn authority over to an external source, whether it be in the form of an individual or a creed. But the Six's tendency towards distrust and suspicion works against any sort of faith in authority. Thus, two opposite pulls exist side by side in the personality of enneatype Six, and assume different proportions in different individuals, sometimes alternating within the same individual.
The truly confounding element when it comes to typing Sixes is that there are two fundamentally different strategies that Sixes adopt for dealing with fear. Some Sixes are basically phobic. Phobic Sixes are generally compliant, affiliative and cooperative. Other Sixes adopt the opposite strategy of dealing with fear, and become counterphobic, essentially taking a defiant stand against whatever they find threatening. This is the Six who takes on authority or who adopts a dare devil attitude towards physical danger. Counterphobic Sixes can be agressive and, rather than looking for authorities, can adopt a rebellious or anti-authoritarian demeanor. Counterphobic Sixes are often unaware of the fear that motivates their actions. In fact, Sixes in general, tend to be blind to the extent of their own anxiety. Because it is the constant back drop to all of their emotions, Sixes are frequently unaware of its existence, as they have nothing with which to contrast it.
Maybe It's ...
Tears fall from his eyes, but they seem to come from the very depths of his soul. It's as if the salty liquid has traveled through-out his body, from his toes to his fingers and up. When he cries, it's like watching each drop find it's way home.
You try to touch him -- console him -- but even your arms can't keep him with you. When he cries, he is far away and lost. This sadness comes from a place that you cannot even imagine, much less reach. It makes you feel inadequate. It makes you feel strong. When he cries, he reminds you with silence how much you are needed.
Or maybe it's the way he smiles. That gleam in his eye cannot be mistaken for anything but love. Even the harshest people must weaken when they see him smile. His smile may not light a room, but it somehow lights my soul. He smiles at you, and it reveals everything.
Maybe it's the way he pushes your buttons until the very last moment, then flutters obedience in his lashes. He knows all the right things to say and do to get you to the brink of anger, without going over the edge. He sends that impish grin your way, knowing exactly where you are. Just when you think you're going to have to berate him to get him to obey, he lowers her eyes, tilts his head, and does exactly what he should.
Maybe it's as simple as a single word, spoken in an awed whisper -- that word that is only for you. Maybe thats all it takes to mean love.
Tarot Dream
the first two cards meant, sorry.
I think they were just describing me & my past,
so maybe not so important.
The third card she pulled said that I had a choice of two paths.
I needed to make a decision.
The fourth, that this had to do with my 'impulsive nature.'
The fifth said I should 'go with the one that commands.'
During the reading, she was constantly asking
if any of it made sense to me. And really it doesn't
Afterward, though, she got a puzzled look.
"I think I did it backwards," she said,
and gathered the cards back up.
As she was shuffling to start over,
my alarm went off.
Monday, March 17, 2008
But sometimes I long for the perfection
that other people seemingly have.
Right now I really want a day
that I can call my own
without something getting in the way.
The last couple of years have been hard
and I have gotten way off track
and I wonder if all the work I did is gone,
or is it hiding just waiting to come out again.
Right now I want to become new with the spring.
Friday, March 14, 2008
Vermont towns vote to arrest Bush and Cheney
To read the rest of the story, click the title to this post
Prayers Of The Ederly
my grandmother keeps a prayer journal
and daily fills it like a ledger,
prayers on the left
there is a kind of holy,
fervent mathematics
to her private worry---
calculations between
Please, God and
my hands are red and oily, the rag raw
as i begin polishing the last wooden thing.
on the left she asks God---
"...that my grandson find a job"
i close the book and dust beneath it,
and throw the rag in to wash.
I'm Sorry
people who have been going through difficult times.
people who need other people to reach out and acknowledge their pain.
i'm sorry. i haven't been there for you.
what i offer is not in the way of an excuse
but, hopefully, an opportunity for insight into my behavior:
i, too, am lonely. and struggling.
most days it is a challenge to answer the phone,
let alone pick it up and dial out.
i never really learned how to communicate effectively.
what i learned, instead,
was how to stash my emotions away
in cloistered rooms of my conscious and subconscious mind
where they couldn't be effectively accessed.
by myself. by others.
where they aren't able to lend their full potential
to the project of influencing---or determining---my actions.
what i need you to know is that i do care.
i think about all of you.
i think about what it must be like to be you,
to be experiencing what you are,
to be making daily choices based on
what information and resources are available to you.
what, specifically, those choices, information and resources might be.
how you feel afterward. i wonder about you.
i wonder what thoughts fill your mind
when you sit down to a meal,
when you step into the shower,
when you lock your front door,
when you get in your car.
i care.
i just haven't figured out how
to harmonize my own problems with yours
in a way that allows us to connect.
i haven't figured out how to extend myself
inject myself into your world
in a more real way than by consideration alone.
how to SHOW you i care.
how to show you i care without feeling frustrated or further isolated.
how to reconcile conflicting emotions and desires.
even now i know what i want to tell you and i am failing.
i love you.
i miss you.
you are important.
and i am sorry.
fight-or-flight
some fury, (as opposed to anger,)
and some sadness, (as opposed to depression,)
could be secondary emotional responses
to the primary emotional response of fear.
if the physio-psychological fight-or-flight response
in humans is activated by a perceived threat,
(which, definitionally, involves the feeling of fear,)
then maybe the fury or the sadness
which often follows is an emotional result
of whichever of the two parts
of the overal response mechanism was taken up;
fight or flight, respectively.
for example: you're driving down the freeway,
someone suddenly whips around
and cuts you off, going very fast.
you might not take note of it,
but it scares the hell out of you for a split second.
(i realize i'm making an assumption,
but i think it's a fair assumption;
a situation like the one described is,
indeed, quite dangerous and, therefore,
has vast potential to produce fear.)
what you might instead note is that you feel furious
and that you become agressive,
trying to "get back" at the driver.
i wonder, too, if some kinds of depression
are psychological states produced and maintained by a sense,
(typically unrealized by the sufferer,) of failing, or having failed,
to fully engage, emotionally/mentally/physically,
with every challenge and problem of life.
a protraction of the aforementioned sadness
that results from having failed to fully engage,
(whatever that means for an individual,)
with the threatening/fear-producing situation.
i'm sorry. i'm probably not making a lot of sense.
and there are far too many
commas, parentheses, semicolons and wisps of ideas
trailing behind the asses of other ideas like snail slime.
there's a lot i want to express,
but i seem to be unable to put into words
precisely what i am thinking.
quite aside from the fact that these are all mere musings...
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
do you realize that you have the most beautiful face?
Sometimes I accept that
it's perfectly alright
to go through things on my own.
After all, no one was there
holding my hand,
helping me make a wreck of my life.
I feel it's important I find a way
to depend on myself
to pick up the pieces.
It's almost second nature to,
at all costs, avoid burdening
anyone else with my worries.
But at the end of the day,
it's heartening to know
that there are people who
are always there when
my energy levels run low
and they know I'm too stubborn
to admit I need a bit of help.
***edit***
I just want to say thanks to all of those
who cleared a path
when all I could do
is crawl through
the wreckage of my past,
who held me up
when I couldn't stand,
who loved me
when I couldn't love myself,
who valued my life
when it meant nothing to me at all
You guys know who you are
and you are the reason, I'm still here.
You all mean the world to me.
identity
For at least the past year and a half I've maintained that I'm much more attracted to men than women, but emotionally I can be attracted to either gender. I've considered myself to be far closer to gay than straight, and am now starting to identify myself as bisexual.
Physically, I am without question far more attracted to men in general. Women will rarely turn my head just based on appearance alone, while that happens quite frequently with men.
However, I always seem to find a far stronger emotional bond with women. Maybe it's because it's too hard for me to get close to a man (I guess that would require getting up the courage to talk to one, no?) or maybe I'm not programmed that way. I don't see any reason why, in theory, I can't feel an emotional bond to either gender. But in practice it's nearly always women.
I suppose my theoretical identity, then, would be a bisexual with primarily gay tendancies.
So. I give up. I'm just going to call myself bisexual and be done with it because I like both genders though it would seem to be in different ways. How I relate to them is going to be too fluid to bother trying to pinpoint where, exactly, on the Kinsey scale I am. Mostly because I can't decide which set of attractions I want to base that on.
so small
the kind that you just want to give away.
it's ok to open up,
go ahead and let the light shine through.
i know it's hard on a rainy day,
you wanna shut the world out and just be left alone.
but don't run out on your faith,
cause sometime's that mountain
you've been climbing,
is just a grain of sand.
and what you've been out there,
searching for forever, is in your hands.
and when you figure out
love is all that matters after all,
it sure makes everything else seem so small.
it's so easy to get lost inside,
a problem that seems so big at the time.
it's like a river that so wide
it swallows you whole.
while you're sitting around thinking
about everything you cant change,
and worrying about all the wrong things,
time's flyin by, moving so fast.
you better make it count, cause you can't get it back.
- so small, carrie underwood
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