Did I

Did I tell you, that I used to believe in wishing?

That one day I will be granted three wishes
and I used to think to myself,
what would I wish for?
Money? Happiness? Love?

I would go around asking people I knew,
what would you wish for if you had three wishes?

When I was a kid, I believed in fairies.
When I grew into a teenager,
I believed in the stars.
I would sit in the back yard and stare at the stars.
I would wish and wish with all my heart
for all the things that I thought I wanted.

I had a little ritual.
I would start with that little nursery ryhme
that I learnt as a kid...

Star bright star light first star I see tonight...
I wish I may, I wish I might...

The stars would twinkle
and I would feel peace.
And hope.

What did I wish for?
So many things.
So many desires.
So many wants.
Most of all I wished for happiness.
Happiness forever, for the rest of my life.
To never feel sadness. To never cry. And to be loved.
So loved that the minute I withhold my love,
those who had a taste of it would crumple up and die.

Did I tell you that I used to believe in miracles?

I did. I believed that one day
a miracle would happen
and all that I wished for
would come true
that one day I would get outa 'here'
and live that perfect miraculous life
that I've always dreamt of.

I held on to that belief even as I grew
into the adult that I am now.
I always had that little light in my heart to guide me.
That will help me through
whatever dark moments I may be going through,
so that when I awake, I will be fine,
still with hope, still looking out for the future.

I wonder what happened. I wonder alot.
A lot of things seem to be out of my control
- even things happening in my own life.
And I end up wondering.

Wonder wonder wonder.
What's the point.

The light isnt't there anymore.

I don't believe in anything.

I used to care about things.
About life. Life after death.
About angels, demons, the good and the bad.
I used to be afraid. I used to feel guilty.
I used to feel satisfaction.

I don't care anymore.
I still believe in God
but I just don't feel
what I should be feeling.

What should I be feeling?

I'm sick of the anger.
The hurt. The pain.
I am fucking sick of it
and I want it to end.
I want to go up to Fate
and slap him and tell him
to stop fucking with me.
Stop messing with me
and just leave me be.

Did I tell you, that I had a wall?

That I so successfully built.
And now it's gone and I am vulnerable again.
Why is it that when you try to keep yourself
away from whatever it is that would hurt you,
something comes along and tries to get inside?

And when you let it in,
all it does is break you
and you are left to pick up the pieces.
Again and again and again.

I don't wanna pick it up anymore.
I don't wanna fix it.
I don't wanna care.

I want it all to end.
And no matter what anyone says,
I know that I have never asked for much.
And I know that many love to see me in pain.

So stop pretending.

Fuck it all.
I am sick of trying.