Internalized Homophobia - Homophobia can come from homosexuals, too

Are you a gay man who wakes up and considerers himself straight? Do you avoid taking your boyfriend or girlfriend around your straight friends so they won't feel uncomfortable or have to see the "gay" part of you? Do you hate labels, but describe yourself as "straight-acting?" Have you heard of internalized homophobia?

If you just came out within the last two years then internalized homophobia, to some degree, is to be expected. I’ve been there, done that, and am seriously disgusted with myself for that period of my life. I hated being around very openly gay people because they embodied what I didn’t want to be. I avoided conversations that may lead to someone asking me about my personal life because I wanted to be accepted and not rejected. I bragged about my straight-actingness and ignored the fact that straight men didn't do the things I was doing privately. I secretly hated part of myself and didn’t realize it until one day, after I had been called a "fag" one too many times, suddenly, I snapped and realized that I am gay! I had been ashamed of who I was and I wasn’t able to see it because I was afraid of people not accepting me.

I realized that my fears were right. There were some people that didn’t accept me, but I realized that I just didn’t care anymore. There would always be those people that didn’t like me because I’m gay. What’s even funnier is that most of those people will always find a reason not to like someone. If it wasn’t because I was gay, then it would be because of some other stupid reason that really didn’t matter. So I stopped pretending that the straighter I acted, the better off I was. I did begin to accept the people that I previously viewed as "flamers" because they were actually cool and more comfortable with themselves than I had ever been.

I started to realize what it was to be gay, at a late point of my life, and while the fact that I am gay is not the main identifying factor of who I am, it is still a factor in who I am. I am many things, but one thing that I am not anymore is homophobic.

While I may not embrace the "gay" lifestyle, I don’t hate it. While I may not embrace the "straight" lifestyle, I don’t pretend I am a part of it. I embrace who I am-- every part of who I am. And if those parts come with a label or make me stand out, that’s okay because I’m not embarrassed of those parts of me anymore and I don’t care who is.