I'm Sorry

I'm the first to be practical in such matters.
Yes, of course, I could live without you.
Life would go on.
I would absolutely get over it eventually,
even if I still suffered pangs years down the road.

But, I don't want to.

Not when you have such a beautiful heart.
Caring, and generous, and honest.

I feel as if I'm forcing myself on you.
You're up front about the fact
that this is all in fun.
You've made no pretense
that there is anything more
to our relationship than frienship.
Still, I find myself loving you.
There, I said it straight and sober,
although I think we all had a pretty clear idea.
It's easy when I'm drunk
and don't care what you say.
However, it's easier in the safety of the written word.
It's easier in the whispers while you sleep.
It's easier when you can't answer.
Because I do feel that it adds pressure you don't need.
I don't want you to back away or change anything about "us",
for fear of breaking my heart.
I don't want you to feign something unreal
because you think it would make me feel better.

So when you ask me why I'm smiling, I'll say 'nothing.'
And when you ask me why I'm looking at you, I'll just smile.
And when you ask why I'm crying, I'll say I don't know, but it's this.
I do love you. And once it's there, it's forever.

You see, I'm expecting you to leave.
I keep reminding myself not to get too attached,
because in all likelihood, right now is all there is.
I'm scared you'll move away.
I'm scared you'll decide that I'm too much trouble.
I'm scared that now that she has the baby
I won't see you anymore,
because you'll be too busy with her.
I'm scared you're going to forget about me.

Those things are always there, in my head.
Even in the happiest moments.

I really intended this to be a happy post.

I need to break out of this damned funk I've fallen into.

I'm sorry.