deeper underground

Suicide has been playing on my mind alot lately.

Well, Who hasn't entertained thoughts

of doing a Great Escape from reality?

I have. Many many times.

But something always stops me.

I think of Mom.

Of my room mates.

Of my close friends.

Inevitably, I come to the overbearing conclusion

that they will be better off without me.

And then I think of all the other people in my life,

and wonder what their lives would be like without me in it.

And of course, I'll come to that conclusion again.

Either there wouldn't be any difference,

or they wouldn't notice my absence.

Fair enough.

So whats happened?
I quit my job... for alot of reasons

I made a horrible mistake with E
which for those of you who don't know
has been taken care of.
I somehow have managed
to once again fall for a very good friend of mine
I've hooked up with alot of new people.

And I'm stuck.
I don't know who to call,

and who to ask to leave me alone.

A Love Octagon so to speak.

As it were, this is part of the gloominess
that bears down on me,
as I struggle, manfully or otherwise,
to comprehend the sheer
incredulity of the entire situation.

I know I'm not into all of them.
That would be impossible.
It's impossible to have feelings
for 8 people all at once.
Rather, it stems from a desire
to return the flattery to all but one..
A wish to return the feelings they have for me.

It's like I feel obligated to, that I just should,

because they actually summon

the willingness and courage to show me their feelings.

I do not want to break hearts and let them down.

The guilt is palpable. Heavy.

Such a hard burden to bear.

It makes me want to curl up into a ball,

and pretend nothing is happening.

But I can't. I want my escape.

But I can't make it.

However out of the 8
there is only one person (lets call him DB)
who has my entire heart.

DB is the only one I can't stop thinking about.
DB is the only one who I would do anything
just for a chance to have a realtionship with
to give me and him a chance....
because I think things would work....

if it wasn't for the one major obstical standing in the way.

Then, I know in my heart that I also
have very strong feelings for E,

but.... because of DB,
and because of my past with E
I can't love E like I should

However none of that matters
E hates me now. I think.
The whole mistake and resolution
would make me hate me if I was him
I would have loved the chance to
talk things out with him,
and clear the air.
Try to make things work...

he however choose to give me an ultimatium

thus burning our bridges, almost beyond repair.
A drama queen, till the end. *shakes head*
I need to clear everything out and start anew.
But we all know that isn't possible.

I am suffering. I do not know what to do.
Doesn't anyone understand?
Is it you whom I want and feel I need, DB?
Because right now, inexplicably,
against any notion of logic, or reason or rationale,
I am thinking of you.
And thoughts of you stay my hand
from ending whatever excuse

I have for a life already.
However now, in this infinitesmal moment,
when all is still and I am reduced
to the nothingness of my center,
do I realise that that I am wasting my time
with the feelings I have for you
because you are never going to return them.

I do not know how much more heartache I can take.

I have taken alot already in my short life.

And I have done so willingly,

always believing in the off-chance

of finding true love and thinking that the sacrifices I make

will be appreciated, and will be worth it.

But I have floundered so many times.

I have failed at so many turns.

And I have fallen down at so many hurdles.

Am I wrong? Am I wrong to believe that I can find love?

If I am, then I guesss I really should just die.

Because I do not want to live in a world

where Love will not find me.